Moving Forward

Today I did something that was really hard for me. It was hard in the way that to me it represented a time in my life that I will never experience again. I started to put away some of the smaller cut Newborn size clothes that was in Brynnley's wardrobe. Now I know what you may be thinking, "Lindy, she is 3 months old...she shouldn't be in that size anyway!" But for me her staying in Newborn size for so long made me feel like my little baby was staying my little baby. Now I totally understand that moving into 0-3/3 month size does not mean she is going to college or getting married next week, but as I found myself in Brynnley's room sitting on the floor as she happily cooed and played in her crib I felt a sadness come over me. A bittersweet sadness. One that meant that I have the joy of this beautiful baby girl, and the other that she is growing up WAY to fast! These past 3 months have gone by so fast that I can't even imagine what the next 3 months is going to be, or 3 years or 3 decades! It was almost a sense of pride that my baby was staying so little for so long, cherishing her newborn phase for so long. The experience of getting pregnant for the first time I will never experience it again. When I was in the hospital moments after giving birth to Brynnley, I was alone in the delivery for a matter of minutes before being joined by my chorus of female family members, where I realized that experience was over. Of course I would have other children, but the "First Time" was over, I mourned the end of that experience. I feel the same way now, the experience of having a newborn for the first time is almost over, I am so happy and look forward to the first time she crawls, walks, says my name, ect. So in a way it is so hard for me to explain how I feel, bittersweet, that's all I can say.
When I tired to verbalize these feelings to Mike he said "Awww, so so cute!"...cute...I feel more pathetic than anything! Mourning the death of newborn sized clothes to my first born should not be this traumatic! I can only imagine what it will be like when she goes to preschool for the first time! I have always joked with my Mother, who at the slightest provocation can have tears in her eyes, that she is so sensitive...but here I am doing the same thing! So when she told me "someday you'll understand" she wasn't joking!
But with all the sadness I may feel about this, nothing is more prominent in my mind or heart than the over whelming love I feel for her. I love to sit and watch her discover the world, as she engages in conversation with me or the loving face of a toy nearby. She has the sweetest little voice, and her smile can make even the saddest day turn bright. I miss her when she goes to bed, and I can't wait until she wakes up again so I can hold her in my arms and see her smile. So I am not so sure why this experience was so hard for me, but it was, I can't change the way I feel. I can only move forward to the next phase of life and loving remember the last.

I also wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown so much love and kindness to my family these last few months. The generosity of meals being brought in, gifts and cards has truly been appreciated! It took me a long time growing up to figure out for myself that I did have a place to belong to. I am so grateful for my family, extended, in-law, and immediate, Without them I would have nothing. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts! Hope everyone is doing well!

<3 Lindy