Moving Forward

Today I did something that was really hard for me. It was hard in the way that to me it represented a time in my life that I will never experience again. I started to put away some of the smaller cut Newborn size clothes that was in Brynnley's wardrobe. Now I know what you may be thinking, "Lindy, she is 3 months old...she shouldn't be in that size anyway!" But for me her staying in Newborn size for so long made me feel like my little baby was staying my little baby. Now I totally understand that moving into 0-3/3 month size does not mean she is going to college or getting married next week, but as I found myself in Brynnley's room sitting on the floor as she happily cooed and played in her crib I felt a sadness come over me. A bittersweet sadness. One that meant that I have the joy of this beautiful baby girl, and the other that she is growing up WAY to fast! These past 3 months have gone by so fast that I can't even imagine what the next 3 months is going to be, or 3 years or 3 decades! It was almost a sense of pride that my baby was staying so little for so long, cherishing her newborn phase for so long. The experience of getting pregnant for the first time I will never experience it again. When I was in the hospital moments after giving birth to Brynnley, I was alone in the delivery for a matter of minutes before being joined by my chorus of female family members, where I realized that experience was over. Of course I would have other children, but the "First Time" was over, I mourned the end of that experience. I feel the same way now, the experience of having a newborn for the first time is almost over, I am so happy and look forward to the first time she crawls, walks, says my name, ect. So in a way it is so hard for me to explain how I feel, bittersweet, that's all I can say.
When I tired to verbalize these feelings to Mike he said "Awww, so so cute!"...cute...I feel more pathetic than anything! Mourning the death of newborn sized clothes to my first born should not be this traumatic! I can only imagine what it will be like when she goes to preschool for the first time! I have always joked with my Mother, who at the slightest provocation can have tears in her eyes, that she is so sensitive...but here I am doing the same thing! So when she told me "someday you'll understand" she wasn't joking!
But with all the sadness I may feel about this, nothing is more prominent in my mind or heart than the over whelming love I feel for her. I love to sit and watch her discover the world, as she engages in conversation with me or the loving face of a toy nearby. She has the sweetest little voice, and her smile can make even the saddest day turn bright. I miss her when she goes to bed, and I can't wait until she wakes up again so I can hold her in my arms and see her smile. So I am not so sure why this experience was so hard for me, but it was, I can't change the way I feel. I can only move forward to the next phase of life and loving remember the last.

I also wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown so much love and kindness to my family these last few months. The generosity of meals being brought in, gifts and cards has truly been appreciated! It took me a long time growing up to figure out for myself that I did have a place to belong to. I am so grateful for my family, extended, in-law, and immediate, Without them I would have nothing. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts! Hope everyone is doing well!

<3 Lindy

Babies Ruin Bodies!

Before I became pregnant, someone told me, "don't have a baby, it will ruin your body."


It has been almost a year since Brynnley began her journey to earth. This time last year Mike and I were anxiously hoping that we would be able to start our family! Little did I know she was a microscopic speck inside of me, and we would be announcing our pregnancy. Between then and now, I had gained over 60 pounds and only lost about 35 pounds. 2 1/2 months after her birth, and my body still carries proof of my pregnancy.


A valley where my belly button once was. Hips that now form a what not so tenderly call my "muffin top", something that my teenage self wouldn't recognize. I have deep red lines that run across the mountains of stretched skin left over on my midsection. Lightening bolts on my sides proving I once was too small to contain all of the love that filled me. Lines indicating that my daughter once lived inside of me. I even remember once feeling embarrassed of the current state of my body, and my sweet husband telling me how beautiful I was.

But do you realize the significance in that? Every limb, finger, toe...and her heart, even, grew near my own heart. Our to hearts beat in tandem as I carried her. Those mountains of skin and dark red lines are all I have left to prove that we were once one in the same!

How could anyone be ashamed of that?

I see my eyes on her tiny little face, I see the man I fell in love with at the tender age of eighteen, and even bits and pieces of my parents and his. She even wears Mikes ears and my chin. Nothing makes me more proud and delighted to see what a beautiful girl she is, and knowing I created her.

Sure my stomach is quite a bit bigger and looser now, but it makes the perfect pillow for my little one. And yeah, my hips are hardly as narrow as they used to be, but they sure know the perfect figure-8 motion to sway her to sleep.

I am not flawless or perfect  in the eyes of society, or even close to what I once was physically, but my baby girl sees me for who I am. To her, it doesn't matter that I will never be the same, that I won't look like a Victoria's Secret model. She knows my heart. She knew it long before we met. She knows that I love her more than words can ever express and that I would do anything for her at a drop of a hat!

And she loves me for it.

I cannot tell you how much worth and validation I feel because of that truth. I feel so much love and excitement every time I say"hello" to her and she shoots me the biggest gummy smile her little 2 month old face can muster. When she wakes up from a nap and instant joy shoots across her face when she sees mine. As I sing her a song, either made up on the fly about what I am doing or in full instrumental chorus at church, she always lets me know she loves every second of it! The "conversations" we have about who knows what because her side of the conversation consists of "ah-goos" and "ah-hah"s. The bond I feel and create as I nurse her and her eyes catch mine and we just look at each other.

What really matters is her. Her well being, her happiness, her joy, and I am the keeper of all of those things.

My body is only a vessel for my spirit. My Heavenly Father, like Brynnley, doesn't care how I look, or how fast I can run, or how much weight I can lift, he cares how I love and care for his sweet daughter. That I take care of her, that I teach her the things that are important. That I show her what love is.


I am so grateful for her and I can't wait to do it all over again to become one step closer to making our family complete! Thank you all for your continuous love, support and prayers on our part!

Love, 

Lindy

Thanks weseekjoy.blogspot. for your words and the idea behind my post!