Moving Forward

Today I did something that was really hard for me. It was hard in the way that to me it represented a time in my life that I will never experience again. I started to put away some of the smaller cut Newborn size clothes that was in Brynnley's wardrobe. Now I know what you may be thinking, "Lindy, she is 3 months old...she shouldn't be in that size anyway!" But for me her staying in Newborn size for so long made me feel like my little baby was staying my little baby. Now I totally understand that moving into 0-3/3 month size does not mean she is going to college or getting married next week, but as I found myself in Brynnley's room sitting on the floor as she happily cooed and played in her crib I felt a sadness come over me. A bittersweet sadness. One that meant that I have the joy of this beautiful baby girl, and the other that she is growing up WAY to fast! These past 3 months have gone by so fast that I can't even imagine what the next 3 months is going to be, or 3 years or 3 decades! It was almost a sense of pride that my baby was staying so little for so long, cherishing her newborn phase for so long. The experience of getting pregnant for the first time I will never experience it again. When I was in the hospital moments after giving birth to Brynnley, I was alone in the delivery for a matter of minutes before being joined by my chorus of female family members, where I realized that experience was over. Of course I would have other children, but the "First Time" was over, I mourned the end of that experience. I feel the same way now, the experience of having a newborn for the first time is almost over, I am so happy and look forward to the first time she crawls, walks, says my name, ect. So in a way it is so hard for me to explain how I feel, bittersweet, that's all I can say.
When I tired to verbalize these feelings to Mike he said "Awww, so so cute!"...cute...I feel more pathetic than anything! Mourning the death of newborn sized clothes to my first born should not be this traumatic! I can only imagine what it will be like when she goes to preschool for the first time! I have always joked with my Mother, who at the slightest provocation can have tears in her eyes, that she is so sensitive...but here I am doing the same thing! So when she told me "someday you'll understand" she wasn't joking!
But with all the sadness I may feel about this, nothing is more prominent in my mind or heart than the over whelming love I feel for her. I love to sit and watch her discover the world, as she engages in conversation with me or the loving face of a toy nearby. She has the sweetest little voice, and her smile can make even the saddest day turn bright. I miss her when she goes to bed, and I can't wait until she wakes up again so I can hold her in my arms and see her smile. So I am not so sure why this experience was so hard for me, but it was, I can't change the way I feel. I can only move forward to the next phase of life and loving remember the last.

I also wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown so much love and kindness to my family these last few months. The generosity of meals being brought in, gifts and cards has truly been appreciated! It took me a long time growing up to figure out for myself that I did have a place to belong to. I am so grateful for my family, extended, in-law, and immediate, Without them I would have nothing. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts! Hope everyone is doing well!

<3 Lindy

Babies Ruin Bodies!

Before I became pregnant, someone told me, "don't have a baby, it will ruin your body."


It has been almost a year since Brynnley began her journey to earth. This time last year Mike and I were anxiously hoping that we would be able to start our family! Little did I know she was a microscopic speck inside of me, and we would be announcing our pregnancy. Between then and now, I had gained over 60 pounds and only lost about 35 pounds. 2 1/2 months after her birth, and my body still carries proof of my pregnancy.


A valley where my belly button once was. Hips that now form a what not so tenderly call my "muffin top", something that my teenage self wouldn't recognize. I have deep red lines that run across the mountains of stretched skin left over on my midsection. Lightening bolts on my sides proving I once was too small to contain all of the love that filled me. Lines indicating that my daughter once lived inside of me. I even remember once feeling embarrassed of the current state of my body, and my sweet husband telling me how beautiful I was.

But do you realize the significance in that? Every limb, finger, toe...and her heart, even, grew near my own heart. Our to hearts beat in tandem as I carried her. Those mountains of skin and dark red lines are all I have left to prove that we were once one in the same!

How could anyone be ashamed of that?

I see my eyes on her tiny little face, I see the man I fell in love with at the tender age of eighteen, and even bits and pieces of my parents and his. She even wears Mikes ears and my chin. Nothing makes me more proud and delighted to see what a beautiful girl she is, and knowing I created her.

Sure my stomach is quite a bit bigger and looser now, but it makes the perfect pillow for my little one. And yeah, my hips are hardly as narrow as they used to be, but they sure know the perfect figure-8 motion to sway her to sleep.

I am not flawless or perfect  in the eyes of society, or even close to what I once was physically, but my baby girl sees me for who I am. To her, it doesn't matter that I will never be the same, that I won't look like a Victoria's Secret model. She knows my heart. She knew it long before we met. She knows that I love her more than words can ever express and that I would do anything for her at a drop of a hat!

And she loves me for it.

I cannot tell you how much worth and validation I feel because of that truth. I feel so much love and excitement every time I say"hello" to her and she shoots me the biggest gummy smile her little 2 month old face can muster. When she wakes up from a nap and instant joy shoots across her face when she sees mine. As I sing her a song, either made up on the fly about what I am doing or in full instrumental chorus at church, she always lets me know she loves every second of it! The "conversations" we have about who knows what because her side of the conversation consists of "ah-goos" and "ah-hah"s. The bond I feel and create as I nurse her and her eyes catch mine and we just look at each other.

What really matters is her. Her well being, her happiness, her joy, and I am the keeper of all of those things.

My body is only a vessel for my spirit. My Heavenly Father, like Brynnley, doesn't care how I look, or how fast I can run, or how much weight I can lift, he cares how I love and care for his sweet daughter. That I take care of her, that I teach her the things that are important. That I show her what love is.


I am so grateful for her and I can't wait to do it all over again to become one step closer to making our family complete! Thank you all for your continuous love, support and prayers on our part!

Love, 

Lindy

Thanks weseekjoy.blogspot. for your words and the idea behind my post!

Confessions of a NEW Mom

Well it certainly has been a long time since I posted anything so I thought why not start up again!? Having Brynnley has been the most life changing experience I have ever had! There are SOO many people out there who don't want kids or put a stigma on kids that is very negative! " Once you have kids EVERYTHING CHANGES!" "You don't sleep till they move out!" "All the spontaneity is gone" ect.... Well I have found that yes everything has changed, but it has been the best change, and not I haven't slept very good, but I love every waking minute I get to spend with my baby, and yes the spontaneity...well has changed, but finding and discovering those quick and quite moments that Mike and I can share are so precious. My love for him has grown 10 fold since seeing him hold our daughter for the first time. Knowing that little life was created by the 2 of us is amazing! I fall in love with him even more every time I see her smile at him, when he fights me for a turn to hold her, and especially when I see them together sharing a moment in the nursery!
Being a Mom is nothing and everything I thought it would be all at the same time. I never realized how much I would love her, or how I would do anything for her. I never realized how my outlook on life would change. All of a sudden if the house is a mess, I don't care as much, because taking care of that little girl is so much more important! I am so much more appreciative of my relationship with my Mom, oh how much she must love me and I never even realized it! But whats more I have started to learn about the love my Heavenly Father has for me! I can honestly say that I know that there is nothing I could do or say that would make him quit loving me, which honestly is an overwhelming feeling! I feel that becoming a mother has made me a kinder person as well, I feel that every person is a child to someone, and I would never want anyone to treat Brynnley unkindly, so I am feel I wouldn't want to treat anyone like that!
I have found that spending time with my daughter is like being sucked into a time warp! Not because everything takes longer, but I could just sit and stare at her all day and it would only feel like moments, my Mom and I joke that it is called the "Brynnley Time Warp"! I also remember being terrified that my baby would not be cute, but oh boy was I wrong! Maybe Heavenly Father designed it that way so every parent would be smitten with love by their newborn, but I honestly think my baby is cuter than any other baby I have ever seen! I see so much of Mike in her that I barely see myself in her at all, but that is fine with me, I love having a mini Mike!
When we were getting ready to leave the hospital, we were getting our bags packed and signing all the papers I felt so excited and I couldn't wait to start this next stage in our lives, but as the nurse wheeled me downstairs and sat there with her waiting for Mike to pull the car around, I suddenly realized that the nice comfortable bubble that the hospital provided, meals to our room, nurses to help watch her at night so we could sleep, endless staff to help with questions and medication and my care, was about to disappear and I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING! Mike and I even commented to each other that we couldn't believe that the hospital was letting us leave the hospital with this baby! But luckily we had an amazing support team! Meals being brought in and our mothers constant watchful eye we made it.
When I was in labor in the hospital I told Mike "we are not having anymore children" totally unaware of how consumed I was about to become by this little life about to grace us with her presence! It took about a week and now I can honestly say I can't wait to have more!
Having Mike leave for 2 weeks to Oklahoma when Brynnley was 2 weeks was very hard, hard on me, hard on him, hard on Brynn. But this time around has been a whole new level of hard. Not necessarily harder but a different kind of hard. Brynnley is aware that daddy is gone, its hard to express how she shows it but she misses her Daddy! Plus with Christmas a week away and still needing to decorate the tree that makes it hard to!
I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to have Brynnley come into my home. I can tell she is very special! She is the most smiley happy baby and has such a sweet spirit about her! I love her more than words can express! Yes my life has been forever changed and will never be the same, but I do not look at it as the death of my old life and my new life with will now forever be condemned to poopy diapers, 3 hour sleep increments, spit up and loss of fun, I look at it as the greatest joy I will ever experience and I hope to savor every minute of it because I know it will go by so quickly!

I love you all and thanks for all of your support, kind words and thoughts for us these past 2 months! I truly am blessed to have you in my life! Take care!

<3

Lindy

39 Weeks! I can see the end!

How far along? 39 Weeks
Total weight gain: 47 Pounds...I gained 2 pounds this last week!
Maternity clothes? Yup but I am still rocking maternity jeans at least and not only leggings!
Stretch marks? Yes
Sleep: Sleeping like an angel with good amount of energy during the day to!
Best moment this week: We finally finished everything on our Pre Baby To Do List!! Nursery is all set up, car seat installed, Freezer meals all made, pre-registered at the hospital, Hospital bags all packed ect! We are very prepared!
Miss Anything? Nothing really this week, I will be excited to start up a exercise routine once the baby comes! Walks are not cutting it anymore!
Food cravings: Craving candy, and milk shakes!!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope, although Mike threw up picking up the dog poop, which I usually do but I was to tired so he offered to be helpful...I feel awful!
Labor Signs: Yup, finally able to tell the cramping and stomach tightening I have been having are contractions. Though not painful at all I am dilated to 3cm and about 80% effaced!!
Symptoms: My belly is still numb! But other than that mild heartburn and thats it!
Belly Button in or out? Flat but still an inny!
Wedding rings on or off? ON!!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Very happy and anxious!
Looking forward to: We have an induction date of Wednesday, October 23! So we can finally see the end of the journey of being pregnant!

 Well this week has gone by so fast! It seemed like everyday we had something going on or planned which is nice because as easy as my pregnancy has been I am definitely starting to be ready to be done! I am starting to be uncomfortable and dread going up and down the stairs! I am still trying to find joy in cooking dinner and doing chores though, we don't have the money to go out to eat so cooking is a must!  

But we got the car seat all installed which was fun, The car seat has a detachable base so the car seat can freely come in and out of the car without the hassle of having to install it each time! We also have a back seat mirror we installed so we can see her in the back seat even if only one of us is in the car! Its funny how much I feel like a mom already driving around with a car seat in the back seat, even with no baby! HAHA!
We also attended a breastfeeding class on Tuesday night, that was very informative and interesting to say the least! The instructor had a visual aid, which was a pillow like, stuffed breast. It had a nipple and everything and the instructor shamelessly would demonstrate how the baby would do an appropriate latch and feed. Mike and I were both a little embarrassed by seeing a grown woman demonstrate this. But when the class was over Mike asked me " So, what was your favorite part of the class?" Without missing a beat I replied "watching the teacher demonstrate the nose to nipple technique". He also confirmed that was his favorite part also!
One thing that I have greatly enjoyed the entire 5 years that Mike has been apart of my life is his never ceasing ability to make me laugh. There is NEVER a dull moment in our house and I wouldn't have it any other way!
We also got an early visit from Santa this year! He brought us a nice new camera! Its a Nikon D3200. It has a 24 megapixels, 2 zoom lenses, can take 1080p video, and has a wifi adapter so we can transfer pictures right from our camera to our smartphones! That is Mikes favorite part! Santa new we would want a nice camera because of Baby Johnson. But Santa was very clear that we would not be getting anything else this Christmas...haha.
But to conclude the week I had my weekly doctors appointment. I before the exam asked the doctor how far past my due date I would have to go before they would induce me. He said that it was an incredibly hot topic in the medical field right now about first time moms after they hit 39 weeks. He said that it depends on how ready the mom is, so lets check you out and see how your doing. Well I am now dilated to 3 cm and about 80% -85% effaced. HOLY COW! The doctor said that I am where many first time moms are when they are stuck in the hospital. So I am doing really well and he has no problem setting up an induction date for WEDNESDAY!!! Thats right, by Wednesday next week I will be moving on to the next phase in my life. Granted the doctor said I may not even make it to Wednesday, but he let me set a date non the less! I am so excited and so thrilled!
But I still need to make it to Sunday for our insurance! So I am praying that if she does want to come on her own that she at least wait until Sunday. I feel like I have been so blessed my whole pregnancy, it has been very easy going and I for the most part feel very unencumbered the entire 9 months. We were fortunate enough that we qualified for prenatal Medicaid so if anything goes wrong with me or with the baby we won't have a mountain of debt as a result. Something that has happened to many people I know and love!
So again thanks everyone for all your love and support! We will keep everyone posted! If anyone would like a birth announcement next week please send me your email address so I can make sure it gets put on the list!!

Love you all!
<3 Lindy & Mike

38 Weeks! A Sudden Realization.

How far along? 38 Weeks
Total weight gain: 45 Pounds, I haven't gained any weight in the last 3 weeks!
Maternity clothes? Of course!
Stretch marks? YUP! But I haven't noticed that they have multiplied this week!
Sleep: Still sleeping through the night with ease, but I have started waking up about 7-8 am to go potty!
Best moment this week: We did our maternity photos on Monday!! It was SOO much fun! I had my baby shower hosted by my Mom & Aunt Tami! It was fun! We also went to Idaho to visit my Grandma! It was so fun and the 4 hour car ride was NOT bad, I was surprised!
Miss Anything? Nothing really this week, couldn't watch the Seahawks game on Sunday but that is totally pregnancy related!
Food cravings: sweets (surprise!) this week's main menu consisted of brownie batter, Cake Pops, Jolly Ranchers and Ice Cream with the cooked brownie batter!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Labor Signs: Not that I can tell, I am still dilated to 2 cm and 85% effaced. had some low back pain over the weekend in Idaho, but nothing terrible!
Symptoms: I am still getting heartburn, but now my belly actually is numb! about 4 in radius right above my belly button has no feeling, very very weird! My ankles are swelling a little from time time as well!
Belly Button in or out? Flat but still in
Wedding rings on or off? ON, I apparently haven't had any swelling in my hands and don't need to take it off!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy & EXCITED to say the least!
Looking forward to: Making the final preparations for little Baby Johnson! Need to install the car seat, Pack my & Mike's hospital bag, and clean out the car (we took Bandit with us to Idaho, and to say he got a little bit of hair in the car would be a lie! It looks like he shed his entire coat in the back seat!!!)

Maternity Photo Preview

Maternity Photo Preview

This week was a weird one for me, I had a sudden realization. I had the thought the other night driving home from my baby shower that in about 2 weeks or less this little person that has been safely growing inside me for the last 9 months would be out here, in the big, bad world. 

She would be living and breathing. She would grow and learn to crawl, walk and talk, run, she would have a first day of nursery and school. She would have likes and dislikes, she will have friends and meet people who wont be nice to her. She will have her heart broken and fall in love, a few times. She will someday go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids of her own. 

All of these thoughts were so over whelming to me considering I just recently experienced them myself. I thought to myself I wish I could shield her from all the bad and hard things I went through in my life, protect her somehow by placing her in a bubble, similar to the living space she is currently occupying. I cried and sobbed at the thoughts of her having her feelings hurt because of something someone said, or an award she didn't win, an athletic team she got cut from, a boy who didn't like her back, silly things, but still things I had went through and experienced. Things that hurt and made me cry. I never wanted her to feel down or sad or alone. 

But I started to smile when I thought of times I had cherished in my life. Singing songs in the car with my Mom and brothers as we drove "The Loop"  to and from school, time spent and my grandparents houses playing games and bonding. I thought about all the fun I had in High School and how accomplished I felt when I got my drivers license and first job. How talented I felt when I made the school team and did well! Laughs I had with my friends and all the adventures that came with. Moving to Utah and meeting my sweet husband at the tender age of 18, which of course came with infinite good times. The moment I found out I was pregnant and how I knew that things would never be the same but in the best way possible. I guess that is life though, you can't have the good without the bad. 

I want so badly to teach her good principles and be a great example of how the gospel is so important in our lives. I want to have patience with her that I haven't had with anyone else. I want her to know that her father and I love each other more than anything (but her) and we would do anything we could to help her if she needed it and we will always be there for her. But with all these wants and desires I have for her, the kind of person she will be, it all starts with me. I for the next several years will shape, mold and design the person she will become. 

I am sure every parent has had this episode at one point or another happen to them. But it happened to me and someday it will happen to her. I love this little person so much already and she isn't even here yet. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I will have to be a mother, and even more grateful for the people in my life that have shaped and molded me to be who I am. I think I turned out alright. 

Thanks for all your love and support and we will keep everyone up to date these next couple weeks!!

<3 Lindy & Mike 

37 Weeks!! Almost Done!

This week was SOOO busy while Mike was gone, good thing to! I had less time to think about him being gone! Stefen and I tackled the Kitchen Cabinets with GREAT success! Mike was so surprised and so happy I was able to do that HUGE project while he was in Kansas City! It took about 4 days start to finish, and it was really fun to do with Stefen, but I was SO glad to be done by the time we finished! I also finished all my freezer meals, so I have 20 total for after the baby comes! I also had mind to double the recipes so hopefully there will be leftovers! I washed all Baby Johnson's clothes and blankets with Dreft laundry detergent (gentle and hypo allergenic specially for babies)! I finished my photo collage in my living room, with the exception of a few frames that remain empty until we have our first family photo session after Baby Johnson comes! We hopefully will hear back about our Medicaid application this week, it will be retro active back to the 1st of October even if they don't approve it till next week, or even after the baby comes, but it would be soooo nice to have heard about it by now! So keep us in your prayers that it will all work out!

But this week should keep us pretty busy as well, We had our maternity photo shoot tonight tomorrow we are having some friends over for dinner, Wednesday I have activity with the Young Womens, Thursday I am having a shower that my Mom and Aunt is throwing, and Friday I have a doctors appt and we are driving up to Idaho to visit my Grandma! On top of all of that we need to finish packing our hospitals bags, install the car seat, and finish any final laundry bits! We are getting so excited to welcome this little baby it seems like she is all i think about! Thanks everyone for love and prayers and support!

How far along? 37 Weeks
Total weight gain: 45 Pounds, lost a pound last week!
Maternity clothes?Yes, but I am enjoying finding cute outfits to wear with BOOTS!!!
Stretch marks? Yup...and finding more daily
Sleep: Sleeping sooo good, thank you DoTerra oils to help with my stuffy nose!
Best moment this week: Finishing the kitchen cabinets, and the wall art in my living room! PS MIKE CAME HOME!!!!
Miss Anything? being comfortable!
Movement: lots of major movements & rearranging... I'm sure she is pretty darn cramped in there! Lately I can even feel her hands and feet moving!
Food cravings: Still want fruit for every meal...other than that, not much of an appetite.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: I am dilated to about a 2.5 and 80%- 85% effaced! But no contractions, but lots of dull aches in my mid back.
Symptoms: Week 37 is when I officially hit a wall. My back has started to ache, my stomach feels tight and I am having pain right above my pubic bone wear my jeans usually sit!
Belly Button in or out? Flat like a pancake!
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy
Looking forward to: Maternity photos!! We had to reschedule because of Mikes impromptu trip to Kansas City, but he is back now!!!

Before and After of the kitchen!

Newer Photo collage, with updated pictures!

36 Weeks!!

Well this week Mike is in Kansas City selling, it was very last minute, but i am super grateful that he is going out to work and is making some extra money! We unfortunately had to push out our Maternity Photo shoot another week, but thats okay it gives the leaves more time to change and give it a real Fall look! Had my 36 week appt on Friday and the doctor checked me out and said I am dilated to almost a 2 and 70% effaced, so it was a real mixture of feelings, because it means the baby is coming soon, but Mike isnt here right now...grrrr...so nervous! But the positive thing is that the doctor said she should come by her due date, so hopefully I wont go a week over!! I just need to make it to October 20th, the reason being is I have Short Term Disability Insurance that will pay on me having a baby! But I have to have the insurance for 9 months before they will actually award the insurance, which is October 20th!! So I need to hold out for at least 3 weeks!! But this week I am doing 20 freezer meals (10 recipes doubled), Packing hospital bags, washing baby laundry and taking inventory to see what else we need, kitchen cabinets, and getting the house cleaned....soooo LOTS to do!!! Wish me luck!! Love you all!!!

How far along? 36 Weeks
Total weight gain: 46 pound (as per the doctor scale)
Maternity clothes: I actually have been pleasantly surprised some of my Fall/Winter shirts that are NON maternity fit!!
Stretch marks? Yes, but they seem to subsided a little and quit multipling
Sleep: Still sleeping through the night and SOOOO happy about it!
Best moment this week: Officially finishing the living room!
Miss Anything? I miss Mike, he went to Kansas City to work for a week!!
Movement: Yes I can easily identify her feet when she kicks now =) Still waiting on hiccups though
Food cravings: Nothing super demanding this week, had a fit for chocolate chip cookie with MILK though, lots of Milk!
Anything making you queasy or sick: NOTHING!!
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: Not really, but the doctor said I am dilated to almost a 2 and 70% effaced!! Kinda scray with Mike being gone till Saturday!!
Symptoms: Feeling a little anxious about my cervix progression even though I am not actually in labor yet, but feeling tired alot more easily though
Belly Button in or out? Still flat like a pancake
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy this week, been super productive makes me feel good!
Looking forward to: baby's arrival of course! I am also working on a few projects this week in preparation for Baby Johnson's arrival, so getting those done will make me feel so much more ready for her!

New Living Room Wall!!!!